Huh…. when you now know but didn’t know You enough to have known. You know?

The Inevitable Itch.

Hello God,

I know I could be doing so many other “productive” things (according to worldly standards) with my time, but this is like fruitful fuel for my soul. It’s that point of realization when you really want to blow up someone’s phone to tell them a super long story of how you came to a certain feeling, but alas, aint no body got time for that, but that’s why I love You. You are always available, for any convention lol. And You move mountains.

So… I remember that one time, my family was on a vacation in Kumasi, and we spent the time visiting relative after relative. It was so much fun! No it wasn’t…. my brother and I had practically gotten to that point of gnashing our teeth, wishing we had stayed at home… in Accra. We were such social, respectful children back then lol. I remember him say, “if one more person asks me what I am going to do when I grow up, I will just say beggar. Ah! we’re tired!” We were laughing hard in the back seat…. I didn’t know he was serious ooh….. hmmm …

Then we went to the next house! *rolling on the floor in laughter* … It was like a movie. The old men asked us both what we wanted to do when we grow up (our little sister was too young to talk)… I went along with my medical doctor swag, then when it got to Naynz , he straight up said “I want to be a….” . And everyone there including my parents were super confused. They were meant to be showcasing us, but it seemed the tables had overturned . ” You want to be what?” the old men asked again, ” you mean like the burger that we eat?”.

“No, no,” my brother replied blankly, ” like beggar on the streets.” My parents were both in shock. At the point I started hearing sirens in my head.. like the world had completely slowed down. And laughter came out of my mouth like vomit I couldn’t hold down. Then my mother gave me the dirtiest look, the infamous mum stare that like fiery rays can cut through your heart and remind you of what time it is and who gave birth to you?  At that moment I knew that somewhere in the universe, like a basketball, a spanking was slowly spinning toward one of us. Either that or we were both going to be gingered …hard.  So  like clockwork, I choked into silence.

I thought of this just now because I know that sometimes in life, there are some forces in our own minds, that causes us to act very irrationally, especially when we are convinced that we are right… Like when I stupidly threw a stick at the chief and my father had to slaughter a sheep. But that’s another story, same vacation though. Don’t judge me, I was trying to save my father from potential bankruptcy.

Fast forward to 2017, I chose to sleep through the midnight deadline of a paper which took me only 45 minutes to write versus the entire semester of procrastination I allowed the spirit of depression to hinder me through. Then my reliable computer decided to freeze  on me. This lateness caused by performance anxiety, came at a cost of a letter grade, which resulted in an A-. I was furious. Angry…. with the devil? The devil has suffered from the blame and excuses that we as believers tend to assign for our lack of faith. Not really,  every act of fear comes from a belief that was sown and watered from somewhere.  The itch.

Just the other day, at a family lunch, my little cousin took a kebab stick and asked passionately if he could burst the giant pimple on the side of my face. Everyone was appalled, but I know he really wanted to set me free from a lifetime of awkward stares, and luckily children barely have  social filters. So unlike my brother and I, he got away with it.

What all these scenarios make me think of is the fact that there is always something unseen, unheard or unwritten that gives us an itch and make us act inappropriately in terms of social norms. I could never blame my brother for that cheeky answer back then, because we were both bored and tired of the same question over and over again. A question that can cause some form of anxiety or stress on a nice holiday, can easily provoke a harsh or rude answer. This becomes an itch. We all have that one thing that makes us itch. Like a psychological or spiritual button that brings up a different side of us.

I believe that before anyone decides to label or diagnose any acts of passion or fear as a behavioral disorder or form of deviance, it is important that we address these things to you, Lord, because you are the divine manufacturer, and only You can truly prescribe a cure for our weaknesses and malfunctions.

Growing up, I found myself always tilting to the left, because the tittle mountain of flesh, insecurity, always sat heavily on my shoulder.  It was more than just a mountain, a foe or abnormal growth, or a keloid,  insecurity, was this spirit that clouded my thoughts and made me believe that this little growth was bigger than life and must impact all my thoughts, moments, and memories. It affected me. It dictated what I did, the clothes I wore and how I acted at all times. It was like the imaginary cockroach underneath my armpits … it weighed me down and cost me most of the freedom of my youth. I was disgusted by myself, angry with You. At that moment the dark spirit that accompanied that mass of growth, became my god.

“Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher, “All is vanity.” – Ecclesiastes 12:8

Years later, countless failed or pending relationships later, surgeries later, I have now been able to identify that this one little itch that always made me feel ugly and weird about myself was never the extra growth of skin or blood clots on my shoulder, or face. No.  Today, I now label that thing as the spirit of insecurity, among other things that I am and will continue to bind and overcome by the grace of God that helps me see that I was made in Your own image, as Your daughter and I have a divine purpose to fulfill regardless of what or who defines me or regards me as more of less of a person.

Remember your Creator before the silver cord is loosed, or the bowl is broken, or the pitcher shattered at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the well.
Then dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to the God who gave it.
– Ecclesiastes 12:6-7

We are not just people, we are spirits, and whatever we give power to dominate over our thoughts and actions, can become a god and a stronghold. Thats what demons are known best for. There’s no reason to be angry, when you finally realize what the itch was put there for. It’s their job. To torment and harass. Ours is to trust in God and overcome. That moment I realized it was never me, but the sin that covers this world and the eyes of many, I finally decided it was time to be free.  Thank you God for creating me, and permitting these hardships to occur so that I could be stronger enough to be what You created me to be: Redeemed.

“Assuredly , I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
-Mathew 18:18

 

 

 

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Breaking Through Mirrors and Breakthroughs.

Let’s talk about the mountains on my body. The tiny boils of fire that the enemy uses to eat away at my soul. The first one was fearful isolation.

When I’m dead to this world #anotherbullet

Dear God,

I am writing these lamentations to You because I’m tired. I’ve complained to my mother, my family has been ashamed of me, random mad men on the bus have teased and insulted me, ex boyfriends have gagged at me…surgeries didn’t work. I’ve failed too many exams obsessing over the wrong anxieties and now my co workers probably think there’s something wrong with me because I’ve made a mountain out of the dirt inside of me. I’ve spent majority of my life, 25 years, being angry and disgusted by the design that You made me to be, that You allowed me to become. So I’m writing a complaint to the manufacturer of my soul. I know You can fix this broken vessel, because I’ve tried everything, and no one, none of these people, no one could save me from the pit I’m drowning in, not even myself. So this is me, pleading, answer me, please.

I spend most of my days trying to lift my head up …. but then the weight of guilt and pain forces me to look down so that my head covers that invisible necklace  that suffocates and burns into my neck and spine, choking my life, yet spelling the words “U-G-L-Y, You ain’t got no alibi”, so how can I even see You? The truth is I have 5 imaginary dwarfs trying to suck holes into my soul. Though small, they appear loud. Those little leeches, accompany tiny mountains. Those mountains, whoever sent them are reminders of dark spirits. And they try to remind me of their presence everyday, and even when I toss in my sleep. I’ve noticed how much for a while, these thorns in my flesh have managed to dictate my posture, how I walk, my lack of eye contact, the constant state of self torture and hate, and even bigger, the life long hindrance to fulfilling my true calling and destiny. I can barely find myself, when I’m constantly hurting from these growing scars. I NEED YOUR HELP!

I laughed at the verse of the day Ephesians 2:10; “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” I ask You, Lord, what can you with someone who is so broken that whenever they look into someone else’s eyes all they see is their own dysfunction.Why do I never feel like I’m good enough to wear that dress, to go to that one party, to talk to that one person, to interview for that job. I walk to the state fair and people look at me like the walking freak display, because I have allowed myself to wear that chain around my neck. So I keep my head down, but You say I’m Your workmanship. For what purpose Lord? Will You always be the Only one, to love me for who I am? Is that why You allowed me to be and look this way?

Let’s talk about the mountains on my body. The tiny boils of fire that the enemy uses to eat away at my soul. The first one was fearful isolation. Growing from my lack of trusting others especially those closest to me, I hid even the most painful cuts, and this grew into layers of layers of lies and frustration. I was always hiding. I trusted  no one. Bad things had happened. People had taken advantage of me. Family had mistreated me. Friends had misused me. Siblings had mishandled me. But I was made to think it was normal. By the time I was 7, I was shivering from nightmares, drownings, beatings, starvings, touchings, and a life too dim to see Your light. Then I saw a sunflower. The weirdest plant, with the happiest glow. Like me, it was skinny, and had a big head, but more hair, especially in the middle. It made me smile. Still, that yellow pierces through my thoughts. It was too beautiful to wonder who loved me, and who loved me not. I think that was You smiling at me; me, my mother’s darker child.

This is a working progress of faith. To be continued…………..

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/09/05/elevate/

 

Overcoming Fear and Accepting God’s hand.

Overcoming fear and accepting God’s hand through the trials.

I’m not new to this suffering. Neither is Jesus. Lately so much has been happening … riots, floods, missile launches, dirty politics…. my own weaknesses and imperfection. It’s so easy to give up and question God, like He doesn’t know what He is doing, like He is not the author and vindicator of everything that is good, like he didn’t make me fearfully and wonderfully to fulfill His true divine purposes for my life.

The world might raise me to hate who I am because the canal mind cannot begin to understand or discern who I  was made to be. I am better than what anyone can guess or calculate about me, because the manufacturer of my soul, God, is the only one who can rate my beauty, my worth and my potential. I am made to work for His divine purpose and His heavenly Kingdom. Forget this fallen world. Remembering God in these last days will make a difference.

 

Psalm 11

For the director of music. Of David.

In the Lord I take refuge.
    How then can you say to me:
    “Flee like a bird to your mountain.
For look, the wicked bend their bows;
    they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
    at the upright in heart.
When the foundations are being destroyed,
    what can the righteous do?”

The Lord is in his holy temple;
    the Lord is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
    his eyes examine them.
The Lord examines the righteous,
    but the wicked, those who love violence,
    he hates with a passion.
On the wicked he will rain
    fiery coals and burning sulfur;
    a scorching wind will be their lot.

For the Lord is righteous,
    he loves justice;
    the upright will see his face.

 

 

Servant of God.

The devil is a liar.

Servant of God.
How could I have forgotten?
Those chains. I was broken out of those chains long ago. It was the enemy who tried to convince me that I was blind. That lack of knowledge tried to present itself in my life as a weakness. I cannot afford to be afraid.
Why should I doubt? Why should my hair fall out whenever I expose it to the world. Why is it that the thoughts of trying to belong has long kept me from being the warrior, the king,  the strong mother, the powerful servant of God I was meant to be? I am not of this world, so I need to stop killing myself just to belong.  I cannot afford to be afraid.

– Nyameba and Father.

Romans 12:1-8.                 Proverbs 3:5:23-26.