Breaking Through Mirrors and Breakthroughs.

Let’s talk about the mountains on my body. The tiny boils of fire that the enemy uses to eat away at my soul. The first one was fearful isolation.

When I’m dead to this world #anotherbullet

Dear God,

I am writing these lamentations to You because I’m tired. I’ve complained to my mother, my family has been ashamed of me, random mad men on the bus have teased and insulted me, ex boyfriends have gagged at me…surgeries didn’t work. I’ve failed too many exams obsessing over the wrong anxieties and now my co workers probably think there’s something wrong with me because I’ve made a mountain out of the dirt inside of me. I’ve spent majority of my life, 25 years, being angry and disgusted by the design that You made me to be, that You allowed me to become. So I’m writing a complaint to the manufacturer of my soul. I know You can fix this broken vessel, because I’ve tried everything, and no one, none of these people, no one could save me from the pit I’m drowning in, not even myself. So this is me, pleading, answer me, please.

I spend most of my days trying to lift my head up …. but then the weight of guilt and pain forces me to look down so that my head covers that invisible necklace  that suffocates and burns into my neck and spine, choking my life, yet spelling the words “U-G-L-Y, You ain’t got no alibi”, so how can I even see You? The truth is I have 5 imaginary dwarfs trying to suck holes into my soul. Though small, they appear loud. Those little leeches, accompany tiny mountains. Those mountains, whoever sent them are reminders of dark spirits. And they try to remind me of their presence everyday, and even when I toss in my sleep. I’ve noticed how much for a while, these thorns in my flesh have managed to dictate my posture, how I walk, my lack of eye contact, the constant state of self torture and hate, and even bigger, the life long hindrance to fulfilling my true calling and destiny. I can barely find myself, when I’m constantly hurting from these growing scars. I NEED YOUR HELP!

I laughed at the verse of the day Ephesians 2:10; “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” I ask You, Lord, what can you with someone who is so broken that whenever they look into someone else’s eyes all they see is their own dysfunction.Why do I never feel like I’m good enough to wear that dress, to go to that one party, to talk to that one person, to interview for that job. I walk to the state fair and people look at me like the walking freak display, because I have allowed myself to wear that chain around my neck. So I keep my head down, but You say I’m Your workmanship. For what purpose Lord? Will You always be the Only one, to love me for who I am? Is that why You allowed me to be and look this way?

Let’s talk about the mountains on my body. The tiny boils of fire that the enemy uses to eat away at my soul. The first one was fearful isolation. Growing from my lack of trusting others especially those closest to me, I hid even the most painful cuts, and this grew into layers of layers of lies and frustration. I was always hiding. I trusted  no one. Bad things had happened. People had taken advantage of me. Family had mistreated me. Friends had misused me. Siblings had mishandled me. But I was made to think it was normal. By the time I was 7, I was shivering from nightmares, drownings, beatings, starvings, touchings, and a life too dim to see Your light. Then I saw a sunflower. The weirdest plant, with the happiest glow. Like me, it was skinny, and had a big head, but more hair, especially in the middle. It made me smile. Still, that yellow pierces through my thoughts. It was too beautiful to wonder who loved me, and who loved me not. I think that was You smiling at me; me, my mother’s darker child.

This is a working progress of faith. To be continued…………..

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/09/05/elevate/

 

Advertisements

Servant of God.

The devil is a liar.

Servant of God.
How could I have forgotten?
Those chains. I was broken out of those chains long ago. It was the enemy who tried to convince me that I was blind. That lack of knowledge tried to present itself in my life as a weakness. I cannot afford to be afraid.
Why should I doubt? Why should my hair fall out whenever I expose it to the world. Why is it that the thoughts of trying to belong has long kept me from being the warrior, the king,  the strong mother, the powerful servant of God I was meant to be? I am not of this world, so I need to stop killing myself just to belong.  I cannot afford to be afraid.

– Nyameba and Father.

Romans 12:1-8.                 Proverbs 3:5:23-26.

The Bride is hooked on the King ;)

I didn’t let my attraction to women define me.

I didn’t think i was gay.

I refuse to let them make me

believe I was born “that way”.

 

I was born, covered in blood

but now I glitter in scars.

 

The One who loves me

has not chosen bitter

if He has overturned the past.

 

I’m worthy to be loved.

I’m painted by grace and days

of waiting.

 

I’m waiting on God,

until then I choose to admire the world

and enhance the beauty inside me.

 

I look from God’s eyes and see

My beauty in yours.

I see your glitter,

even if you are a boy or girl.

I’ve hurt before

but through all the blues, broken charms and green eyes,

their arms were soft; their souls were warm and pretty.

Still I never let my attraction to women define me

…or the long thread of broken promises.

 

 

Proverbs 31

There will always be someone else

stronger than me,

 

but does she or he become my boo

or my god?