The Inevitable Itch.
I know I could be doing so many other “productive” things (according to worldly standards) with my time, but this is like fruitful fuel for my soul. It is at that point of realization when you really want to blow up someone’s phone to tell them a super long story of how you came to a certain feeling, but alas, “aint no body got time for that”.
But that’s why I love You; You are always available for any convention. And You move mountains.
So… I remember that one time, my family was on a vacation in Kumasi, and we spent the time visiting relative after relative. It was so much fun! No it wasn’t. My brother and I had practically gotten to that point of gnashing our teeth, wishing we had stayed at home in Accra. Oh how social, respectful children we were back then. I remember him say, “if one more person asks me what I am going to do when I grow up, I will just say beggar. Ah! we’re tired!” We were laughing hard in the back seat. I didn’t know he was serious ooh….. hmmm.
Then we went to the next house! *rolling on the floor in laughter* … It was like a movie. The old men asked us both what we wanted to do when we grow up – our little sister was too young to talk – I went along with my medical doctor swag. But then when it got to Naynz , he straight up said “I want to be a ….”. And everyone there including my parents were super confused. They were meant to be showcasing us, but it seemed the tables had turned .
“You want to be what?”
The old men asked again, “you mean like the burger we eat?”.
“No, no,” my brother replied blankly, ” like beggar on the streets.” My parents were both in shock. At the point I started hearing sirens in my head.. like the world had completely slowed down. And laughter came out of my mouth like vomit I couldn’t hold down. Then my mother gave me the dirtiest look; the infamous mum stare that, like fiery rays, can cut through your heart and remind you what time it is and who gave birth to you? At that moment I knew that somewhere in the universe, like a basketball, a spanking was slowly spinning toward one of us. Either that or we were both going to be gingered…HARD. So like clockwork, I choked into silence.
I thought of this just now because I know that sometimes in life, there are some forces in our own minds, that causes us to act very irrationally, especially when we are convinced that we are right… Like when I stupidly threw a stick at the chief and my father had to slaughter a sheep. But that’s another story, same vacation though.
Don’t judge me, I was trying to save my father from potential bankruptcy.
Fast forward to 2017, I wasted an entire semester on procrastination and depression. I chose to sleep through the midnight deadline of a paper which took me only 45 minutes to write. Then my reliable computer decided to freeze on me.
This lateness, caused by performance anxiety, came at a cost of a letter grade; an A-.
I was furious. Angry…. with the devil? The devil has suffered from the blame and excuses that we as believers tend to assign for our lack of faith. Not really! Every act of fear comes from a belief that was sown and watered from somewhere.
Just the other day, at a family lunch, my little cousin took a kebab stick and asked passionately if he could burst the giant pimple on the side of my face. Everyone was appalled, but I know he really wanted to set me free from a lifetime of awkward stares, and luckily children barely have social filters. So unlike my brother and I, he got away with it.
What all these scenarios make me think of is the fact that there is always something unseen, unheard or unwritten that gives us an itch and make us act inappropriately in terms of social norms. I could never blame my brother for that cheeky answer back then, because we were both bored and tired of the same question over and over again. A question that can cause some form of anxiety or stress on a nice holiday, can easily provoke a harsh or rude answer. This becomes an itch. We all have that one thing that makes us itch. Like a psychological or spiritual button that brings up a different side of us.
I believe that before anyone decides to label or diagnose any acts of passion or fear as a behavioral disorder or form of deviance, it is important that we address these things to you, Lord, because you are the divine manufacturer, and only You can truly prescribe a cure for our weaknesses and malfunctions.
Growing up, I found myself always tilting to the left, because that tittle mountain of flesh – insecurity – always sat heavily on my shoulder. It was more than just a mountain, a foe or abnormal growth, or a keloid. Insecurity, was the spirit that clouded my thoughts and made me believe that this little growth was bigger than life and must impact all my thoughts, moments, and memories. It affected me. It dictated what I did, the clothes I wore and how I acted at all times. It was like the imaginary cockroach underneath my armpits … it weighed me down and cost me most of the freedom of my youth. I was disgusted by myself, angry with You. At that moment the dark spirit that accompanied that mass of growth, became my god.
“Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher, “All is vanity.” – Ecclesiastes 12:8
Years later, countless failed or pending relationships later, surgeries later, I have now been able to identify that this one little itch that always made me feel ugly and weird about myself was never the extra growth of skin or blood clots on my shoulder, or face. No. Today, I now label that thing as the spirit of insecurity, among other things that I am and will continue to bind and overcome by the grace of God that helps me see that I was made in Your own image as Your daughter, and I have a divine purpose to fulfill regardless of what or who defines me or regards me as more of less of a person.
Remember your Creator before the silver cord is loosed, or the bowl is broken, or the pitcher shattered at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the well.
Then dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to the God who gave it.
– Ecclesiastes 12:6-7
We are not just people, we are spirits, and whatever we give power to dominate over our thoughts and actions, can become a god and a stronghold. That’s what demons are known best for. There’s no reason to be angry, when you finally realize what the itch was put there for. It’s their job. To torment and harass. Ours is to trust in God and overcome. That moment I realized it was never me, but the sin that covers this world and the eyes of many, I finally decided it was time to be free. Thank you God for creating me, and permitting these hardships to occur so that I could be stronger enough to be what You created me to be: Redeemed.
“Assuredly , I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”