Breaking Through Mirrors and Breakthroughs.

Let’s talk about the mountains on my body. The tiny boils of fire that the enemy uses to eat away at my soul. The first one was fearful isolation.

When I’m dead to this world #anotherbullet

Dear God,

I am writing these lamentations to You because I’m tired. I’ve complained to my mother, my family has been ashamed of me, random mad men on the bus have teased and insulted me, ex boyfriends have gagged at me…surgeries didn’t work. I’ve failed too many exams obsessing over the wrong anxieties and now my co workers probably think there’s something wrong with me because I’ve made a mountain out of the dirt inside of me. I’ve spent majority of my life, 25 years, being angry and disgusted by the design that You made me to be, that You allowed me to become. So I’m writing a complaint to the manufacturer of my soul. I know You can fix this broken vessel, because I’ve tried everything, and no one, none of these people, no one could save me from the pit I’m drowning in, not even myself. So this is me, pleading, answer me, please.

I spend most of my days trying to lift my head up …. but then the weight of guilt and pain forces me to look down so that my head covers that invisible necklace  that suffocates and burns into my neck and spine, choking my life, yet spelling the words “U-G-L-Y, You ain’t got no alibi”, so how can I even see You? The truth is I have 5 imaginary dwarfs trying to suck holes into my soul. Though small, they appear loud. Those little leeches, accompany tiny mountains. Those mountains, whoever sent them are reminders of dark spirits. And they try to remind me of their presence everyday, and even when I toss in my sleep. I’ve noticed how much for a while, these thorns in my flesh have managed to dictate my posture, how I walk, my lack of eye contact, the constant state of self torture and hate, and even bigger, the life long hindrance to fulfilling my true calling and destiny. I can barely find myself, when I’m constantly hurting from these growing scars. I NEED YOUR HELP!

I laughed at the verse of the day Ephesians 2:10; “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” I ask You, Lord, what can you with someone who is so broken that whenever they look into someone else’s eyes all they see is their own dysfunction.Why do I never feel like I’m good enough to wear that dress, to go to that one party, to talk to that one person, to interview for that job. I walk to the state fair and people look at me like the walking freak display, because I have allowed myself to wear that chain around my neck. So I keep my head down, but You say I’m Your workmanship. For what purpose Lord? Will You always be the Only one, to love me for who I am? Is that why You allowed me to be and look this way?

Let’s talk about the mountains on my body. The tiny boils of fire that the enemy uses to eat away at my soul. The first one was fearful isolation. Growing from my lack of trusting others especially those closest to me, I hid even the most painful cuts, and this grew into layers of layers of lies and frustration. I was always hiding. I trusted  no one. Bad things had happened. People had taken advantage of me. Family had mistreated me. Friends had misused me. Siblings had mishandled me. But I was made to think it was normal. By the time I was 7, I was shivering from nightmares, drownings, beatings, starvings, touchings, and a life too dim to see Your light. Then I saw a sunflower. The weirdest plant, with the happiest glow. Like me, it was skinny, and had a big head, but more hair, especially in the middle. It made me smile. Still, that yellow pierces through my thoughts. It was too beautiful to wonder who loved me, and who loved me not. I think that was You smiling at me; me, my mother’s darker child.

This is a working progress of faith. To be continued…………..

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/09/05/elevate/

 

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Overcoming Fear and Accepting God’s hand.

Overcoming fear and accepting God’s hand through the trials.

I’m not new to this suffering. Neither is Jesus. Lately so much has been happening … riots, floods, missile launches, dirty politics…. my own weaknesses and imperfection. It’s so easy to give up and question God, like He doesn’t know what He is doing, like He is not the author and vindicator of everything that is good, like he didn’t make me fearfully and wonderfully to fulfill His true divine purposes for my life.

The world might raise me to hate who I am because the canal mind cannot begin to understand or discern who I  was made to be. I am better than what anyone can guess or calculate about me, because the manufacturer of my soul, God, is the only one who can rate my beauty, my worth and my potential. I am made to work for His divine purpose and His heavenly Kingdom. Forget this fallen world. Remembering God in these last days will make a difference.

 

Psalm 11

For the director of music. Of David.

In the Lord I take refuge.
    How then can you say to me:
    “Flee like a bird to your mountain.
For look, the wicked bend their bows;
    they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
    at the upright in heart.
When the foundations are being destroyed,
    what can the righteous do?”

The Lord is in his holy temple;
    the Lord is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
    his eyes examine them.
The Lord examines the righteous,
    but the wicked, those who love violence,
    he hates with a passion.
On the wicked he will rain
    fiery coals and burning sulfur;
    a scorching wind will be their lot.

For the Lord is righteous,
    he loves justice;
    the upright will see his face.

 

 

Servant of God.

The devil is a liar.

Servant of God.
How could I have forgotten?
Those chains. I was broken out of those chains long ago. It was the enemy who tried to convince me that I was blind. That lack of knowledge tried to present itself in my life as a weakness. I cannot afford to be afraid.
Why should I doubt? Why should my hair fall out whenever I expose it to the world. Why is it that the thoughts of trying to belong has long kept me from being the warrior, the king,  the strong mother, the powerful servant of God I was meant to be? I am not of this world, so I need to stop killing myself just to belong.  I cannot afford to be afraid.

– Nyameba and Father.

Romans 12:1-8.                 Proverbs 3:5:23-26.

Chosen Pt 1

I remember the first time I was dead. I thought I had never seen angels or experienced them before, even when men of God ministered to me that there were armies of celestial beings guiding and following me. I always thought, “I haven’t seen them in my life.” But no, I saw them, that one day, drowned in the swimming pool, when the whole unsupervised class, even the devil, thought I was good and dead. But no, that was just the first baptism. I was saved, carried through the tunnel of reversing clocks, by an angel instead. I was barely 4 years old, but that scene keeps replaying in my head. It’s like they had been sent to retrieve me from a different dimension of my past, for I was meant to be alive to share this one day. That day, someone saved my life, and it wasn’t my teacher.

Psalm 91:4:10-11.  No harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.

For He will command His angels concerning you.

The Honeymoon phase

 

A man’s kiss, a man’s clutch

A man can drive you crazy

with a single touch.

When he laughs, when he yawns,

You fight for his affection,

silly little pawns.

He makes you think he is there whenever

Truth is you rush to his feet

good or bad weather.

When he is done with you, your soul burns like hell.

Foolishly crying , you fell for his little spell.

Always there to run to his every call.

but never there to catch you when you fall.

Always the one to give

but you never receive.

How long before you realize

you’ve all been deceived.

Woman wake up! When will you see?

A few sweet words from his mouth

has set your heart free.

Time and time again, your mind will linger.

Thinking of the passion,

still wrapped around his finger.

He does not feel the same way, his heart is cold.

You will be wise

if you heed these words you’ve been told.

But don’t be fooled, that is not all there is to a man.

When he loves you, he will do all that he can.

When he thinks of you, nothing else can be true

But this kind of love springs

But once in a blue moon.

Holding on to him is like grasping on to

sand. It might take us forever before we understand

Some of you might wonder how

this heartless man came to be.

Ladies, look around you,

for the monsters creator

is a she.

 

Hosea 4:11

Whoredom, wine, and new wine, which take away the understanding.

 

1 Corinthians 6:18

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

 

Matthew 5:28

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Chosen

I remember that day, I heard the Spirit of God say, “It is time you wrote something to glorify My name.”

So I jumped on my computer, and just as I began navigating…. a birthday post pops out….. ??!!  wow… So then I felt obligated to wish this person whom I hanged with one time, a happy birthday. Shocks…. It didn’t even say it was his birthday on his profile, and I wasn’t allowed to post anything, so I facebook mailed…. Then I blanked out staring at some ad, then I was able to catch myself enough to remember that there was a paper due at 5, and I needed to head to the gym soon…. soaking heavily on worry and confusion, I lay there wondering where the days and the seconds had gone, ghost of ex boyfriends’ past, and if Trevor Noah would ever say my name… the entire thing…. mmm even darker thoughts. I didn’t feel myself distancing away from…. my quiet  time with God.

“It is time you wrote something to glorify My name.”  Wow… those words again lol. You see what Facebook can do to you ? when you are actually even looking, time likes to tiptoe behind you, especially when you are meant to be doing things for God, and exposing the devils tools to distract us. Yes, some things are made with good intentions, like the television, like sugar, like trees, human beings know how to mess things up, when they are given the right amount of demonic motivation…. friends?? family…..Our downfalls make us think that isolation from this world is what is required to be happy, but when we were distracted from God, even once, for the first time, like in the garden, when we lost sight, of what we were meant to be doing; living, to glorify His name. Instead, we became idols of ourselves, and slaves to sin, and then captives of the devil. But JESUS rewrote that script. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is God. He is Eternity.

Rebuke the devil whenever you are tried and tested, whenever you are tempted to be distracted and calculate into worthless things, like how many people like you, how many care, how many are thinking of you, when everyone is fighting their own problems…. troubles from sin…. who introduced sin? Who was in that tried to implant the seed of rebellion, the consequences of being deported from heaven, who else would try to trick us to kill ourselves with idols, with pain, with confusion, with envy, with drugs, with gossip, with rebellion, with intrusion, with lies, with trials and seclusion…. with premarital , homosexual and adulterous sex. “Sexuality was God’s idea in the first place; he not only understands it but knows the type of power it can wield over us. And He understands how it causes us to stumble again and again. God gets it” This is why many people have been afraid to serve God, because they have been under demonic influence and bondage for so long, but in the name of Jesus, any relationship, seducer, destoyer, anything holding you back from doing god’s work will be broken and scattered before you eyes. If a decision you are making, does not have God in between you and your desired goal, then it is probably the devil in the midst of things. “Go ahead, bite that apple!” And usually this demonic encouragement will come out of the mouths of friends and family… its rare that the devil would send strangers to entice you… Deceptive intrusion, and yet we go ahead and pursue goals like porn and prostitution, an example of demonic connections through strangers.We were once tied as man and woman, as man and God, as God and bride, then some slithering snake comes, and we are living our lives by dodging from knives.

Prayer is our weapon in this constant fight. But first before anything else, before Facebook, before twitter, before the announcements of the public situation, pay attention, you are different, you are alive in a dying world, you are covered by the blood of the only God. Thank Jesus, that you are no more separated by sin, because now you know the schemes and distractions of the enemy. It is 2017, and we are still alive. The church is alive. Thank Jesus. It is time you we all did something to glorify God. Be a faithful bride to Christ.

“Evil doers are snared by their own sin, but the righteous rejoice and are glad.”

-Proverbs 29:6.